Blah!

I am horrible at coming on my blog.  But I am all good with that!!
Today has been a very odd day, it started out amazing, but as soon as someone came home the whole mood in the house changed.. No one is talking, everyone doing their own thing..
I just want to go somewhere!   So I went to my room, turned on youtube, and wrote.

I lay here watching the sky go by

Everyday my life is slipping away

Second by second I am fading

I lay here watching then sky go by 

The world is spinning 

What is going on?

Why can’t I just end my life? 

Am I okay? 

No one cares about me

I lay here letting thoughts go through my head

I am a no one

I am worth nothing

No one wants me

I lay here slowly slipping away

No one noticing

No one caring. 
I am just a no one. 

I lay here watching my life flash before my eyes 

Save me!  I don’t want to die.

So I have been wanting to post my testimony, but I am unable to do that right now.. So I will post Lecrae's testimony.. It is honestly so good.  God is good! 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bs6ctEFiGw

Enjoy the rest of your fourth!! 

Encouragement

I have been struggling with being crabby, and just being really emotional... It's been one of those weeks last week, I didn't really wanna do anything, I didn't really wanna talk to anyone, I just wanted to stay in bed, which is not like me at all.  So I put on some music, and decided that I was just down, and I needed to be encouraged, so I turned to my music.. I'll share a couple songs that have really encouraged me, and got me through my moods.

"Made new" Lincoln Brewster-  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd4qtmDGIWQ
"Completely" Among The Thirsty- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFC-d9PTusw
"Here for a reason" Ashes Remain- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb9Y_3O2tlQ
"Don't worry 'bout a thing Shedaisy- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaoDzt0Ju3Q

I honestly just love Ashes Remain... Some other songs from them that have helped me include:
Change my life
On my own
Without you
Pain


I have found these verses to help me.. So I thought I would share them with you. ( :

“But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; He is their strength in time of trouble.” Psalms 37:39 

“In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.” Psalms 138:3 

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."1 Corinthians 10:13

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" Revelation 21:4 

Have a great day!

"Every weakness you have is an opportunity for God to show His strength in your life"

 

Rambled thoughts.

I was gonna write something about this.. But I honestly can't think of *anything* to say..

I just feel like we just all need to hear "Yearn" by Shane and Shane..
I honestly can't put into words why I am even sharing this song.. But I feel someone that is reading this... Will need to hear this..
There is one thing I will do.. I will define Yearn for you..
Yearn means to "have and intense feeling of longing for something, typically something that one has lost or been separated from."

We have all came from different past, my story is different from yours even if we have gone through some of the same things it's all different... Just like our yearns.. We have good yearns and bad yearns..
I just pray that the holy spirit will come into you tonight.. That you will be healed with whatever you are going through.. rough choices, unsure of what you are suppose to do next, the devil attacking, thoughts that aren't pleasing.. I pray that God will just touch you tonight.. Open your eyes, and heal you.. God just wrap your arms around each and every one of us.. We all NEED you..  Just surround us with God loving people to be there for us and support us in every step we take. In your name Amen!
"I want to yearn for You I want to burn with passion over you and only you"
I will tell you right now.. God doesn't judge or hold grudges on what you've done in the past.. It doesn't matter what you've done.  God has called each and every one of us to be HIS child.  I grew up without a "father"  in 2012, I got told "Jamie, you have ALWAYS had a dad.. It's always been Jesus!  He loves you more than I love you, and I love you so much"  That God takes that place in your heart you are missing..    
Just when you are going through something and are doubting yourself... GOOGLE bible verses about what you are feeling....  You are *never* alone!!  It may feel like you are facing the world by yourself, but God is always with you!  
Just yearn for God.. He will come to you.. He is already with you, you're sitting in his lap!

Here are a couple bible verses that have been on my mind a lot recently.. 

Revelation 21:4 ESV. "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV.  "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

Psalm 34:17-18 NIV. "When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

And the last one is one of my life verse... 

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." 

Here is the link to "Yearn" by Shane and Shane
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTjuwuWPgSo

Enjoy your night.
God loves you JUST the way you are.

"You are stronger than you seem, braver than you believe, and smarter than you think you are"

Also something else..
If you believe in yourself.. Believe in God.. Because believing in yourself only gets you as far as *you* believe in yourself.. But if you but your trust and you believe in God.. You *will* go a lot farther.. God knows the plans for you!!  I won't lie.. Being with God is amazing.. He has put some people in my life I would never have even thought about talking to.. He has also showed me what REAL love is! ( :

Jer. 29:11-15 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”  

Let The Lost Get Found

I am going to talk a little about how my day has been and what has happened, but I am not doing this so you know, I'm doing this, so hopefully you will know that you are not alone, and that there is a purpose, and it's not always going to be good, and it's not always going to be bad.  

My day started off pretty amazing, I got up, and talked to my niece, had my cup of coffee, and talked with the people I'm living with, later on in the afternoon, I had started looking for places to work, as I have for the past 2-3 months, I've had a couple interviews, but I haven't heard back from them.  As  I started looking for job, the people gave me the impression that I haven't been trying to find a job, and that I had said that I don't want "just a weekend job" I want more than just a weekend job, so I started yelling.  I lost it all, I couldn't control anything, I later put my headphone in, and turned up the music, ran to my room, and cried for 10-15 minutes, getting really angry, and violent to myself, mentally, physically, emotionally, everything, I just couldn't control myself, and didn't know how... I finally was able to just settle down, and just breath.    I stilled listened to my music, later I was able to get up and look out the window, later my phone went off, and my grandma called me, I had told my grandma what had happened(I never tell her things, so this was a huge step for me) I was done crying, but as I was telling my grandma I started to cry, my grandma had known that I was very upset about this, and told me that I need to start praying, and I honestly didn't know what to think about anything, I just wanted out, and I needed to find a stable spot in my life.  I just started college, I just moved out of my parents, after my mom and I have just got really close.  My life isn't stable it's not even close, I just squeeze by daily.  People just don't understand that I try my hardest... I don't ask much from anyone, I usually take care of myself, and others, and put others needs before mine.  So hearing "I'm not trying to find a job" set me off because I want a job, and I need a job, but I can't find one that wants me as I'm a college student.  

That was my day, I know we all have days just like that, I just want to encourage people that you are not alone, we all have bad days, say a prayer, talk to a friend, or a trusted person (adult),  put music on (happy songs) and enjoy.   You're not alone and you never will be alone, you always have someone.  Something I never learned when I was growing up, I grew up feeling left out and unwanted, but now it's a little different, I understand.  It's a learning process, but you can do it.  Just reach out for help, and don't hurt yourself because you feel like it's to stupid, or you're the only one, because you aren't. there is so many people that struggle with depression, drug abuse, PTSD, abuse of any kind (physically, verbal, mental, sexual), bipolar, just sadness.  If it bothers you, it means something.  So talk to someone, don't let your not perfect time in the day, ruin your whole day, it isn't worth it..  Keep your chin up, and head held high.  But it's okay to cry.


Sorry it's so long, and it just rambles on and on, and it's all over, but I didn't know how to say anything, so I just let my thoughts go, and my fingers type.  ( :

Puff

So, today I've been on the quiet side- I just haven't wanted to talk, I've just been thinking today... So after everyone left today, I decided to let my thoughts come out in my poems.... So yes they are real experiences... Friends, my own, and family.   I not saying if they are mine, friends, or family... Also I'm only going to share one.  Hope you enjoy.
  Also, please let me know what you think... If it's bad, or good, and what could be changed.

PUFF

All you wanted to do was fit in,

you took that puff, it took your mind.

you said that word, it took his life.

You didn't mean it. 

You stole, you hit, you ran, what did it do to you? 

You hurt him, you took what made him live.

Your mind has gone racing now. 

You can't live with yourself-you just want out! 

So you took that puff once again, it took your faith.

You stopped believing in yourself.

You took more drugs, and started to care less, and less about yourself.

Soon you found yourself lying there.... dying....

You woke up-did it all over again, it's all you know now. 

You scream- they mean nothing now.

You stop- it doesn't do you good.

You die- peace has been made with you, your family, everyone.

You lost your battle.  You couldn't make peace with yourself. 

You couldn't take life.  So you left, and made peace, sweet loving peace.  Something you found that makes you happy, no longer matters anymore.  You mom stopped your brother. 

Your brother found his passion in writing music about his loving sister.  They know that puff didn't do it.   You did, but they forgave you, can you forgive yourself? 

What on Earth is Happening to my Life?

Well I have graduated, this past month, and I honestly can't put it in words how thankful I am for my guidance counselor, and teachers for helping me get there, it's been a hard struggle at times, with family drama, and deaths happening, but I can now say, I'm going to college, to become a guidance counselor.  However if I didn't have support through my school, and my friends I've made at my old school, I would not be where I am today.  I've feel like I can say, I may have screwed myself 9th-11th grade with my credits, but once I started my new school I was able to kick some butt, and get my life on the right track, make new friends, and leave the old ones that only put me farther back in my life...
I have the best nephew ever, he knows just how to cheer me up no matter what is going on.  He is my little love bug, and he is what gets me through so many things.  I cannot put into words how he's helped me graduate, even though he's only two, he is the best!

Supported by my mom, and my nephew! 

Graduation!

So as you know... I like to write, I'm not a very good write in my opinion.  But I know that I can totally write.

World famous poet, William Butler Yeats once said, “Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.” All my life, until this year, I always felt that education was more like a pail filled with stones that I was forced to carry.  In thirteen years of schooling, I’ve been to 10 different schools.  The longest I’ve been in the same school is three consecutive years. (3^rd-5^th and 9^th-11^th grades) I never really made close friends because I always was on the move to different schools.  Being switched to so many schools made it hard to establish close friendships.  I also feel it’s hard for me to make friends because I’m the youngest child of 10, so I grew up on my own and grew used to being alone.  If I would have known that I would be able to stay at a school, I would be much more comfortable with the students and I wouldn’t have pushed away from so many things.  I would have been more involved in school, sports, and after school activities; all of which help you make friends.  This added many heavy stones to my pail.

You may be wondering why I’ve been to so many schools?  My answer is:  I didn’t fit in, I wanted to be home, I wanted to be independent, and I didn’t understand the value of education.

From pre-school through 5^th grade, my mother picked my schools.  Pre-school and first grade, I was with my siblings.  In 6^th grade to now, I picked what I wanted to do for school.  When I was going into 9^th grade, I picked Minnesota Virtual High school Academy which is an online school.  I loved being home all the time and sleeping in until 11:00 or so.  But it wasn’t all the best for me because no one was home to make sure I was doing my school work.  I was working for three days tops at about 45 minuets a day.  I was suppose to be on a five days a week schedule.  I could pick any five days.  I also was supposed to work for six hours each time.  So, as you can see, I was only doing my school work for two-and a half hours weekly, tops.  When I was only working a couple hours a week freshman year, it caused me to fail the first and second semester. It wasn’t just because of the little I did, it was also because I didn’t care if I passed or not, I also didn’t care about school.  I got brainwashed by others saying I wouldn’t graduate so I let that get the best of me.  When I finished freshman year, I did the online school again and because I failed every class but gym, I kept getting told I wouldn’t graduate and I was determined to prove them wrong.  I began logging onto my online school daily but I wasn’t doing my work everyday.  I would contact my teachers and then be done.  That year, I passed two classes: gym and health.  I was proud because I had thought that I wouldn’t even pass one class.  More stones were added to my pail.

The summer going into my junior year, I was going to start at *school name* High School but I was offered a babysitting job.  I moved in with the family for the entire school year and I had to do one more year of online schooling.  During that time, I passed all my classes but one and a few stones were removed from my pail!  After junior year, I moved in with my dad so I could go to *School name* High School.  When I made the decision, my mom pretty much told me it was a waste of time because I wouldn’t graduate, let alone, on time.  A few more stones were added to my pail.

When I started to set up my classes at *insert school name*, I had 14.75 credits and I would need 24 to graduate.  According to my mom, it is impossible to make up the credits, I’ve had to crack down on my school work and find support through the school.  My parents have told me that I wouldn’t graduate.  My mom even expected me to drop out at age 16.  I am now 18 and still in school proving my parents wrong!  It is one of the best feelings ever!  I needed to prove to my mom that I could do it and that I’m not a drop out.  I decided to rid my pail of those stones!

And, I am proud to say, I am on track to graduate in the summer of 2014!  I’ve been working hard and earned A’s and B’s!  I was told by my guidance counselor that I will be her first student to graduate on time after being so far behind!  However, I couldn’t have done it without her and all my amazing teachers at HS.  It’s been a struggle at times, but through the support of others and my determination, I will be able to graduate on time!  Once I was rid of my pail of stones, a fire was lit in me!  I will continue to work hard to keep the fire going.  It took a while for me to realize the value of education but once the fire was lit, there is not putting it out.

My story I will be using for a public speaking activity.

So with that being said.. I have 19.something credits as of March 19th, 2014.  So coming from 14.75.  And hearing what my expectations I had given myself from the start of time.  To what the teachers had given me to now is amazing!!